if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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