so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
love makes seman taste better
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
