I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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