having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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