i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
