so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
