Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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