giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
