Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I touched a dick in church today
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