Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
