What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize