I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
