our cab driver is having phone sex.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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