How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
