I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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