Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
