I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
