If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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