My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
