would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
