Need sex. Gaining weight.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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