You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
