I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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