yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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