Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
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