So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize