Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
