Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
