where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
there's paper in my vomit.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
