How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
