god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Someone signed my nipple.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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