in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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