Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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