Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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