There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
