Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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