im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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