1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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