Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Randomize
