At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I am midnight drunk by noon
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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