Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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