Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
