Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
