I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize