I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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