Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
