Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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