she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
