Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
