We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
