bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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