Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
