Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Will you blow on my dice?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
