It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
