How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize