my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
