Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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