Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
