for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
